Monthly Roundup: November 2021

I started this blog in September 2019. That was the year I was going through a musical depression, so I never ended up mentioning that I am a classical guitarist. I picked and played through the years since 2019, but it wasn’t until the beginning of this year I finally started feeling passionate about playing music once again. Now, although I’m not playing every day (once upon a time I played an average of 2.5 hours every day), I am trying new things with my playing and I’m even playing with other musicians. Being able to play with other people has proven magical for my inspiration.

I do not like being in the spotlight. I love sharing music and I enjoy the appreciation people give me about my music playing, but I don’t like playing in a silent room, the center of everyone’s focus, playing a song so technical that a single wrong note can send me entirely off track. I had an impromptu performance for some musicians, at their insistence. Despite knowing them, and knowing that as musicians they are incredibly forgiving, my hands shook so hard my fingers slipped off the strings, and I went deaf so I couldn’t even course-correct what I was playing. This faded enough that I could play another piece, a bit calmer this time, but it was a reminder as to why I dislike performing.

However, if people are entirely focused on something else, then I can play all those technical pieces beautifully. I’d probably be good as a background musician at a restaurant.

Classical music is my private music. It’s what I play late at night when I can’t sleep. I play it alone for my own comfort, or for others to fill in the silence between conversations. This is why I hide behind online pseudonyms and comical self-portraits instead of my real face. It’s why I dislike showing my writing to people, and instead would rather they stumble across it on their own, and take it in their own time. If I know the person, then I can end up too close to the spotlight for comfort. It’s how I try to connect with people, too, by sidelining myself and focusing on the other person instead.

On that note, I told a Thanksgiving story to my grandparents. They were so taken by it they insisted that I take a moment to tell everyone at the party we were attending later that day. I agreed, and secretly hoped that such a moment that my grandmother was envisioning would never come. To sit at a table, the center of attention, telling a story … That was a horrifying thought, and thankfully, it never came to be.

I will end this Monthly Roundup there. Happy holidays, everyone!